A Bug's Life

Headed through the big D and I don't mean Dallas!!

2010-09-23T13:02:00.000-07:00

There are lots of bad 'D' words out there. The first one and most forboding and completely not applicable to my situation - divorce. It actually looks like a really bad word - divisive within itself, but lets all fuhgeddaboutit. Another big 'D' word I heard a couple weeks back - dandruff. I wanted to hug my hair cut lady for having the balls to bring it up, instead I bought $60 worth of product that probably doesn't work. The last and worst 'D' word- depression. Yep, I think I have it as told to me by therapist woman and I didn't want to hug her or buy anything. So now what - the only thing I can think is 'F'! Now I am trying to find some drugs I guess. Any suggestiones?

Supplies!!

2010-09-14T15:09:00.000-07:00

So - this past weekend the main man 'R' turned 30. And that was a BFD! For a few months his sister, mom and I had been planning a surprise deal to be held in SE Kansas. When we first started planning I wasn't sure I'd be able to contact his friends to make it happen or even be able to keep it a secret. Up to the very minute that we pulled into his parents' place last Friday I had not made a peep about the event. He was all kinds of confused, mad, emotional. On the way up there he had even wondered aloud if his parents still liked him. I knew they did, but he wasn't sure. The party had a shrimp boil and beer theme. He stuck closer to the beer. My brothers Chris and Gabe both came with their ladies.
One by one the party started to thin and the two left swaying next to the keg were Gabe and the man 3am The man was tickled to be hanging with Gabeman - who had maybe only said hi one time in the last year. Both were trashed and non-focusable but enjoying themselves. Finally we put them to bed, but not before 'R' induced vomitus. Gabe went to bed stone cold. Well once I laid down I started to cough and got up for a cough drop - but smelled vomit. It was Gabe - he had puked in his sleep and his girlfriend was frantic to help him. He was coated in vomit down to his underwear. I got him down to his skivvies and socks and he continued to vomit outside. By 4 am I was washing his clothes and sheets and by 4:30am it was time to give Gabe a hose down. So his gf and I snuck down to the basement to a separate shower got him stripped and turned on the water. We left him naked and shut the bathroom door - and then all of a sudden heard a crash. He had managed to pull off the shower door. In panic, all I could do was make him to continue to shower while I held the door as a shield in front of his naked body - I tried really hard not to look at his junk. Really hard I swear, because that's gross. Let's just say black diamond thru smoky glass. So he rinsed and was still not even able to get a towel around his own body so I wrapped it around him and moved him to sit on the toilet while I fixed the shower door. Anywho he was still drunk and disorderly through all this half about to puke and half just let drool roll down his lips. He eventually tired and once the laundry was done I got him back on the air mattress in clean sheets by 6am. He had even soaked puke juice all the way to air mattress - luckily R's mom had tons of cleaning product and even pet odor remover powder that I poured on it. One odor I couldn't fix was his breath, and he kept threatening his gf with a smooch, out of desperation I put my last available half sucked cough drop from my mouth into his. His gf thanked me.

Anyway I thought it was a good story. Really hope bro doesn't have herpes - because I thought I saw a pimple. I really like his gf, she's a good chick, hopefully she sticks around.

BFDs

2010-09-09T12:00:00.001-07:00

Oh my. Where do I begin??? Or not. Maybe I could just jump right in. Biggest detail, I have a bf. And so this blog was probably my bf before I got a bf. All the things that are funny or pointless or ridiculous I now just tell him. Lucky him! Unlucky you! or not.

The year in numbers:
- # boyfriends - 1 (!)
- # weddings attended - 6
- # hernias - 0
- # cows - TNTC (too numerous to count)
- # board exams passed - 2
- # Words with Friends games won - TNTC
- # blogs written - 0

S0 big deal - it's been quite a year. I also did the most adult thing I could possibly think of - started going to counseling/therapy. I affectionately call it "the rapy" because I take it hard in the feelings. But really, it's good for me. Be glad I am speaking vaguely in riddles to a stranger and not you. So far I am passive aggressive co-dependent INTJ. Sorry dont know how else to make therapy a joke.

I've completed 2 medical school rotations - not sure what to do yet. I feel like I need to get my mind made up. Passing boards was a big deal - I am lucky I have any hair left.

The pooper

2009-10-18T10:09:00.000-07:00

As you could see from the pictures down below - Luke's wedding was a good time. I certainly had a blast - enjoyed seeing his old friends and meeting some of the new ones. There was one I kept hearing ask Luke to introduce us - I didn't think much about it because in fact he was very very drunk. Anyway - he was very drunk again at the reception the next night... so drunk he had that really really far away look that makes you wonder if you'll end up with some vomit on you.

After the reception most of us who weren't newly married went on to celebrate at the boys bachelor cabin. While there I just started crying - for no reason. Oh wait - the reason was I drank too much. THen the phone rang and it was the Lodge (the host of the wedding and reception) and they said... "Does anyone know Justin ____ ?" So I put down the phone and hollered to see if his friends would come forward. I knew it was the really drunk guy...anyway the woman on the phone "Well, he's passed out in the laundry room, and we were hoping some of his friends might be around to come take care of him. We've tried pouring water on him etc." Anyway, I found one friend of his that refused to leave the party and stop hitting on teenage girls (my cousins). So the job fell to someone else - not me, but that person is likely going to heaven.

A couple of weeks later I went to visit one of the other bridesmaids in AR. We got calls from the newlyweds and text messages saying - Lacey, there's a guy out there who has a crush on you, do you want us to call him - but he pooped his pants. Turns out there's a rumor that the guy who had passed out had also crapped his pants at some point during the wedding evening. So this all became too much and we decided to find out the source of the rumor - perhaps Gabe had just yelled at him calling him a pooper or he was found in the laundry amidst a mess of his own feces. I don't know. Regardless, the b-maid decided it would be fun to tell everyone that I had a date with a pooper. We went to a football party and she kept saying, "We have to leave because Lacey has a date with a pooper." Awesome...and there was no date with a pooper.

Cardiology?

2009-10-11T12:39:00.000-07:00

My friend gave me an anatomical heart jello mold and this is the result, my heart on a platter. It wiggled and jiggled appropriately with a delicious cherry flavor.

More of the same...

2009-10-11T12:04:00.000-07:00

Ah yes... I'm still alive looking less sharp and more like a slob. The dark under eye circles are darker and the moisturizer more expensive. It's second year and now we're doing more in the realm of actual clinical medicine - which means I get to find more diseases I might possibly have. The one I have my eye on is Von Willebrand Disease - it would mean that my platelets don't stick - and explain my easy bruising. The pathology professor (famous Dr. Goljan) said that 2 ladies in the room probably had it - and I'm dying to be one of them. The other fun part of school is that we're doing more shadowing, we have weekly fake patients on paper, and then live ones that pretend to have a chief complaint. I ended up with an 86yo gentleman who had some issues with dementia, lack of energy and a dribbly stream. Even though he took it all out of me - he won me over end the end by asking if I danced - and telling me that I could be his doctor one day! woot woot!!

I wish I could think of some more entertaining stories - I have a few tidbits from the bros...
- Chris...I went with him to purchase a new car. This meant that I had to be on good behavior and share my limited opinion because he was looking at Kia's and Chevy Cobalts and Impalas. Well the one he settled on was an electric blue chevy impala- a true pimp mobile complete with tinted windows. I test drove with him and the salesman. Chris chatted him up on current sales of the Cube and Altima (it was at a Nissan dealer) - and even mentioned he had once had an 88 Nissan Sentra. He explained that it was grandma's and she gave it to us after she couldn't drive it anymore. I nicely reminded him that we got it because she died. Woops. Some things are painful I guess.

-Luke...He is off in newly married man land - living the dual income life in Dallas. A couple weeks back I was drunk on a date and while the young man was in the restroom I checked my phone and noticed a message that Luke wanted to host me for thanksgiving. My dream thanksgiving - and Millie even said it would just be the three of us. I had fantasies of waking up and going shopping in Dallas at the Galleria. I liked the idea of just skipping all the fuss and forced family conversations. Well - after my fantasies ran wild - I found out that it was all a joke and I was pretty pissed. I told Mom - who was upset I'd want to do something else for tgiving - and then I told Millie I was peeved they'd taken advantage of me in my drunken and vulnerable state. She apologized and told me not to drink so much. Awesome.

- Gabe... He had surgery on his knee to clean out some debris a few weeks ago. He came to visit for a concert and was drunk the whole time and limping. In the shadows he looked like a return of the dead zombie that just wouldnt die - and rather than sucking your blood he wants all your beer. So I gave it to him. Anyway I recommend everyone do the same.

- Mom...Dad- Dad retired so Mom didn't. All this means is that we will finally feel the effects of the recession. Ugh. I like to spend my free time thinking of possible retirement jobs for him. My best fit so far is Limo Driver. Other fantasies include Self Service Frozen Yogurt franchise owner. Traveling Fair food vendor. He thinks he wants to substitute teach - I think he would be eaten alive. He knows that Wal-Mart greeter is always an option - though he'd probably prefer Sams because he's run into some experienced retirees there.

- Me... ???? I'll see what I can think up.

Back to studying

2009-09-17T15:10:00.000-07:00

I've been back in the habit of school for a month or so now... it's not fun, I promise. I'm a stress management group leader, maybe not the best role model. Anyhow, I baked them (first year med students) a cake before their anatomy test. Here is a fun picture showing how it turned out. I secretly want to be a cake designer if all this doesn't work out... I think I'd have a ways to go.

Best of...Rehearsal Dinner Edition

2009-08-09T15:14:00.000-07:00

The lovely couple shown here are quite literally close to my heart. My little bro and his fiance made it official in a remote mountainous setting this weekend. It was the biggest little wedding there ever was with parties going all night long, hot tubs with barely any water left, and young teenagers pissing the night away. I wanted to share the highlights of what people missed of the rehearsal dinner.

Lacey and Blythe serving drinks to persons who think we can control the fact that there is no more ice to chill the white wine. We quickly learned that Franzia's new spigot spews at an angle. Note that Franzia also makes a Sangria that is quite tasty.

The sexy photo taking began instantly - the windblown sexy look a la bathroom hand dryer - the marshmallow in my cheek look - and many more

We applied portraits of the bride and groom to all body parts. Sarah got a tatoo of baby lukey. I had the pictures on my boobs, bum, and anywhere else.

People drinking out of frisbees, slamming wine bags, floating kegs and exposing chests.

There is a new ribbon in town - it stands for SINGLEHOOD AWARENESS!! (That's the ribbob on my wrist, the black dots stand for all the good people out there not getting any)

There's nothing like finding out when shower fresh turns stale

Mom's got a new pair of Spanx!

2009-07-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

And she's a new woman! I think she finally believes. The other day we were going to run errands and she said, ' Hey Lacey, are we still going to Target?' I replied with an emphatic yes! because I knew it may be a chance to get her to by me stuff. And then she said, 'Ok, let me get some underwear on.' Keep in mind she was dressed when I was talking to her.

On the same trip, we spent lots of time trying to pick out deodorant for one of my nameless brothers who has not been wearing any. We scoured for male sensitive skin versions, and then my mom decided to go with a lovely container of Ban - from the women's deodorant section. How great would it be to have your mom buy you women's deodorant if you were indeed a stinky man. I guess she believes in the motto of Secret. I had to continually go over the invisible line between male products and female products.

At the end of our trip she was trying to sway me with impulse snacks and drinks. 'Lacey, do you want a mocha lotty?' To which I laughed and replied, 'No, you smoke a lotty.' Someday we plan to sip a mocha latte together instead.

2009-07-27T21:21:00.001-07:00

I'm going into the business of self portraits. It's lucrative (and a funny joke). Seriously, I might start leading some workshops. It will be like self help - teaching people to learn their angles and to never let someone else take a photo without approval.

As for this picture, it was taken from the part of the workshop where you dress up in what you will wear to your brother's rehearsal dinner, lament that you don't even have a date, and then take a picture to see if you are worthy of one.

Didn't want to get my 'fillings' hurt

2009-07-18T10:41:00.000-07:00

Remember that Sex in the City episode where Miranda starts dating the guy that stands on the corner wearing the hot dog suit?? Don't get too excited, there's no hot dog -- but his name is Captain SuperTooth! Maybe you've heard of him. I spent most of my morning flirting with the captain - he used to date the tooth fairy but he got sick of her paying for everything in quarters so they parted ways. Anyway - this is really another story of a hit and miss situation. My friend kept bugging me to give the captain my digits...and you know what - I chickened out. And now I sit thinking of how we could have flossed together. I swear I will just go for it next time even if he is an actor that dresses up as a tooth on occasion.

***Update***

I've thought about this situation all day, why I am so retarded??? So I thought maybe I could recover. I decided to write a missed connection on Craigslist - 1) because I thought it would be funny and 2) he'll never see it. And if he does I will sure as hell blog about it. Here is what I wrote.

'Is that a molar or are you just happy to see me?'

Dear Captain Supertooth -

I was the girl who once wanted to be the tooth fairy, and you guy that once dated the tooth fairy. I was impressed by your witty sense of humor. I realize you've got to have some tough enamel in the business you are in. Give me a shout if you don't want to floss alone.

WhiteCaped Girl

Cavity in my soul

2009-07-16T11:01:00.000-07:00

It's sad when a tooth cleaning is more uncomfortable than getting a cavity filled. Frankly, I just love not being able to feel my nose. Anyway - all I wanted to say was that everytime I go to the dentist for a cleaning, I swear I hear Eric Clapton's 'Tears in Heaven.' I apologize to his deceased son, but I really hate that song. At today's cavity filling I was waiting to hear it but instead got Margaritaville!!! And it was awesome, I want to hear THAT everytime!

Knowledge from NOLA

2009-07-14T13:52:00.000-07:00

Back from a whirlwind trip to New Orleans - there is so much to say and so few choice words. It was a bachelorette weekend for the future sister-in-law and it turned out to be a funtastic. In order to capture the weekend I thought I would attempt a top 10 list of interesting facts gained during the trip.

The bride was once listed as a cafeteria worker in her 7th grade yearbook. She was comped a free yearbook to make up for the mistake.
If you meet someone in the bathroom of a nice restaurant and they want you to karaoke at the Penthouse Club with her and her husband - recognize the karaoke does not mean karaoke in this situation. (fyi - this did not happen to me but one of the members of our party).
If you meet a guy on the street who says come upstairs for free shots - he really wants you to show some stuff on the balcony. While you are on the balcony he will go downstairs and film it with the rest of the crowd.
Wearing a veil out to dinner, bars, and other places gets you lots of free stuff.
Don't say "It's my fucking bachelorette party" to the pit boss who wants to close the craps table.
Do talk about underwear choices or lack thereof in airports, elevators and bars.
Do meet tall 38 yo men who are in for a Microsoft conference. When the tall 38 yo man gets you alone at a blackjack table and asks you to operate on him this evening - Don't tell him to turn his head and cough. (fyi - this did happen to me, it was the only procedure I knew) Don't feel bad when he walks you back over to your friends (actually - WTF!!! Why do I always screw it up!!).
Do eat beignets and get powdered sugar all over your face.
Don't order something off the menu that is cheap because you will end up dividing the tab 8 ways, paying more for your salad or lack of drink etc.
Do start singing the blues in the jetway as you wait to board the flight. A mini-harmonic necklace is just the thing to piss off all your fellow passengers.

Finally - I am one less!

2009-07-09T14:16:00.000-07:00

You've heard the expression that sometimes money falls into your lap, well a couple of weeks ago it fell to the northern neighbor of my lap, yep my crotch. It's not your typical Julia Roberts/Pretty Woman scheme - I'm just a prostitute for science. I signed up to be in my first ever medical study and get paid! I think Kramer would have done it, and that makes it ok for me. Here's the deal - I get the Gardasil vaccine, blood tests, smears that rhyme with tap, for free plus I get paid $75 bucks for each visit. All in all I am looking at $825 bucks (over 3 years) - hells yeah. I admit it's a little stereotypical for a med student to be in a study but you don't realize what poverty can do to people. There are other motives as well. I would like to avoid cervical cancer, give puppies to small children, and have someone else stick needles in my arm (jk). So if you know someone else that is interested - it's a pyramid scheme, I get $25 bucks for every adolescent I refer and $50 for elementary school kids. I will teach them that spreading their legs is a great way to make fast cash!

A face to break a thousand cameras

2009-07-09T07:20:00.001-07:00

A little while back I celebrated my 27th birthday at the beach with family (please hold your cheers and applause). It was quite a good time. My parents baked a lovely Stouffer’s Lasagna dinner for 36 and had cake and ice cream to go around. It was the one night that everyone who was of age or three years under went out for some drinks. My dad was sloshed and had lost his rhythm by the time we arrived at the Hangout a strange outdoor restaurant bar and family fun center. I got a margarita from Monica (cousin) and a Purple Hooter from Geoff (cousin) and then purchased another margarita for myself. I was slinging them down to the best of my ability. Then I hear my Uncle Greg ‘biiirrrthdayyy girll ohhhh birrrthdaaaaay girrrrl’ as he waves a shot in my face. Like any girl that fears rohypnol from her uncle I asked what it was and he said it was a Red Headed Slut. So I threw it back expecting it to have sweet overtones only to hold it in my mouth a little too long and wonder how I had been duped. Good old Uncle Greg had actually provided me with Jack Daniels. Sarah (cousin) captured the moment with my camera, it stopped working for a few days afterwards. No wonder.

So the Hangout wasn’t the only stop, we next went over to the famous Pink Pony for a more realistic bar setting. I walked in to the tune of my cousins singing some fabulous karaoke tunes. The highlight was Eric (cousin aged 18yrs) singing Hero – Enrique Iglesias complete with air humping and a serenade to a much older woman in red (with her husband present). It was maybe one of the funniest things I had seen ever – not to mention Eric’s parents were present and feared the husband’s retaliation so they bought the husband another round of drinks. Eric – aka Big E – also scored the hotel room number for another cougar that night.

This is Eric juicing up for his big performance.

Exhaling is optional.

2009-06-15T22:01:00.000-07:00

Check out the look of accomplishment on my face! I defeated the zipper! and managed to shimmy into the bridesmaid dress before the deadline. At this size it comes with armpit poochies and a roll with butter. I am afraid that the increased altitude, alcohol and inability to breathe may have some detrimental effects on my consciousness at the event, but who cares?!!
On the way out of the dress I feared I would be stuck, but I unhooked the cinching clasps and popped out like a can of pillsbury biscuits only to have a muscle spasm. All male suitors looking for an available bridesmaid (one night only) should know that I carry good health insurance.

Love in the time of alcohol

2009-06-11T11:06:00.000-07:00

Let's say you flew solo to a wedding of a classmate this past weekend. And it was tough to be among the minority. There were other classmates there, all male and with their steady long distance girlfriends in tow. So you met them or introduced yourself as necessary. One of the guys is the cute-ish class clown that drinks too much. At one point during the year we discovered that the same brain areas responsible for addiction also correspond to love of a partner, making it possible that if one has an addiction he or she may not be able to love their partner fully. So upon learning this the class clown guy had told me that he called up his girlfriend and said he may never love her because he is addicted to alcohol. He said she laughed it off - and I maybe thought it was true but still a very clever joke. So I met her for the first time this past weekend and thought it would be funny to reflect on that funny thing he had said about note being able to love her due to alcohol. She seemed to understand what I was saying, and even in my attempt I knew I shouldn't have said anything. And now I ask you to imagine the pangs of nausea I experienced this morning when I looked on facebook and saw that the class clown guy was no longer listed as 'in a relationship.'

Deadline waistline

2009-06-10T16:50:00.000-07:00

yo yo yo yo - that's not a greeting, that's a reference to my weight problem. yep, I yo-yo more than oprah and I am riding the top of the parabola right now. So I got an email today about my bridesmaid expectations and had to laugh that I was given a deadline in which either the dress must fit or I must quit. Here is the instruction.

1) I don't know about everyone else, but my dress doesn't have ANY extra room in it so I am gonna be struggling to maintain/lose weight in the next 2 months! :) We all need to PLEASE try our dresses on by July 8th. If yours doesn't fit, please let me know ASAP so that we can figure something else out. We can't really wait till the last minute to find out whether or not it will zip. (SPANX anyone???) :)

The last time I tried the dress on I could barely breathe in it and that was 10lbs ago. So I am in charge of losing at least 10lbs by July 8th and then some more by Aug 8th. Geez louise. Too much stress - I think I'll go get a snack.

HepC said the blind man

2009-06-09T18:19:00.000-07:00

I went tonight to shadow some physicians at a local free clinic. I love the free things because people have major problems which they have let go w/o care. I was handed a clipboard and told to take some vitals on a patient. I walked in started the routine that nurses do better than I can. In the middle of taking his pulse he told me he had heard everything I said through the door 5 minutes previously. Awesome because I have no discretion. I laughed joked and made fun of my non-professionalism and lack of clinical skill. He didn't mind and then told me that he was there because his labs came back that he had HepC. That was a first. I had noticed his skin had an orange-ish tint but thought it was his genetic flavor. Anyway - the BFD about this is that he straight up asked me what I knew about HepC and I couldn't deliver. I started by saying it was a virus - people live with it - yada - dunno - yada. The partner asked me if she was at risk - and I knew she was but didn't want to say and be wrong. So I said it was a good question we would ask the doctor. Safe answer, but not a great answer. During this I found that I was so afraid to say the wrong thing I chose to say as little as possible which makes me a chicken. I reported to the resident - told him the questions that were asked of me - and he said 'Well what did you say... you should know more about HepC than I do given that you are right out of your first year' eek. That was a true statement, though he said it in a nice way. So the point is (moot) I need to read more about HepC --- not like anyone cares (but patients might).

Parental guidance strongly suggested

2009-05-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

I've been spending time with the parents - mostly because of commuting circumstances. I am used to their quirks but I got stuck on some that I discussed with them last night.

- My dad's name is Lloyd - a one syllable simpleton name. I recently noticed that my mom believes it is a two syllable word pronounced - Lloy-eeeeeed. Both parents had not noticed the apparent spelling change - likely dad just never hears anything anyway.

- For as long as I can remember my dad has always kept a fresh glass of water by his bed at night. He fills it with ice - and it was usually a child's job to retrieve the (still) full cup of water for the dishwasher the next day. Last night I finally asked him about it. My theory was that he snored so bad - he would wake up with a sore throat. He said he just likes to have it because he hardly sleeps through the whole night - so I interjected that perhaps drinking the water is 'something to do' in the middle of the night?? Nope, he says it just tastes really really good! Water, really? Anyway, my mom said there is a mold ring on his night stand from where he keeps the water. Still she supports the water cup because at times she has asked for a sip and concurs that it does taste good.

Outlier

2009-05-27T08:18:00.000-07:00

I had heard a rumor that my littlest most trouble making bro had a girlfriend. My instructions were to not bring it up nor discuss it at any cost. That was one secret I actually kept, even from him. Well it paid off - he brought her over at 11pm last night and she was actually extremely nice - saying all the right stuff (I could use a lesson). She didn't seem shy or out of place or anything that comes with meeting a bf mom and sister late at night. Of course I will keep this opinion to myself as well. Little bro is supposed to go off to Colorado in the fall hopefully - so while I like the girl I would hate to see him miss an opportunity though I won't kick in usual sabotage tactics. Note - self search for mate is on the fast track given I will be the only person sitting at the single's table - making it doubly sad.

Dead guys don't complain

2009-05-24T11:20:00.000-07:00

I have crossed the vestibule and the vocal folds - and officially stuck a tube down a dead man's throat. I was a guest at an airway training session, noticed a DO was providing the instruction and introduced myself. I had no expectations but before I knew it, the guy had me gloved up and standing at the dead guy's head with his eyes staring back at me. My knees were shaking and a room of experienced EMT's was watching the stupid med student fumble about. I hadn't even successfully practiced on the model.

Anyway - I also stuck a huge ass needle in the dead guy's tibia, a long needle into his heart, and completed a makeshift cricothyroidotomy. I also stuck my whole hand down his throat to try and manually stick the tube through his vocal folds - I nearly made it.

untitilated

2009-05-24T10:35:00.000-07:00

I lost my favorite zebra sunglasses in the river yesterday. I went floating with a group of half strangers for a bachelorette party. There was a barfer and three people that fell out in slow motion because they went heavy on the bud light. I outlasted and hoped my rowing efforts will contribute to my goal of Michelle Obama arms.

About half way down the river we ran out of beer and started shouting to passing rafts for more. Those came at a cost - it was like we were bartering in NewOrleans. I maybe showed a wee bit - but I didn't earn the beer like the rest of them, however I did drink it.

Also intriguing was that it rained on us. I have never stood soaking in the rain in just a bathing suit, shorts, no shelter, and a need to urinate. But I was among others in the same situation so we just stood there and peed.

After the 12 mile renegade - we were waiting for our DD's on the roadside and an overweight motorcycle man came up and started sharing his religous poems and singing. Some girls had tears and others said he was an angel. I just sat there and wondered whether he was the freak or we were...

To those of y'all that wear fanny packs -

2009-05-02T22:27:00.000-07:00

This is an open letter, maybe it won't get to the New York Times for the Obama girls to know that four years (did I say 4? I meant 8) goes by quickly. Anyway, this is a letter to say that one academic year has gone by quickly - and I want to thank anyone that listened to me cry or let me listen to their chest or belly - and even let me touch their sacrum, pubic tubercles, penis, vagina, rectum - and the list goes on. It was mostly professional in nature.

Still - I can't believe how much of an ass I really am. I am really sorry. I hope that I can be better at balancing things in the future. I hope that I can take time to really listen to what is going on for others and not just worry about what I've got going on- (which is usually nothing.)

So I make ammends - step 9 for someone addicted to school and selfishness...

I thank Blythe - who doesn't read this puffery and who listened to me cry after many tests and drunkennesses induced by tests and stupid people. And manages to keep it all together and keep it going. Maybe someday she'll tell me what I missed in all this madness.

Mom - whom without your defective diaphragm I wouldn't be here! No really that really expensive secret vacuum you got me that turns on a dime is the SHIT! And thanks for paying my health insurance, without which my arm wouldn't be here. And then there's my car payment and car insurance - without which I should have repaired my car after I slid on ice and hit a mailbox. Oh and Dad - for bearing the brunt of my drunk dials - and yet failing to tell mom not to call me back. I begged and it never worked - she always called.

Bobby - you don't know it yet but you're still on the hook for teaching me how to stick needles in people. Thanks for allowing me to tell the whole story always.

Delia - for calling me whenever to tell me about random people I don't know or maybe used to know. You helped me realize that there is only one answer to the question "guess who was in baltimore last weekend?" I really understand now what you meant when you kept talking about the nucleus accumbens 5 years ago - ahead of your time, I mean my time. And Meghan - because I got a message that said you found this link, and I appreciate your patronage. I will admit you are smarter - but I won't give up the other.

And then I must thank facebook, the refresh button on my email, people moving on getting married, having babies, etc.. I also appreciate silly boys - especially neighbors that are getting married who talked to me today with a hole in the crotch of his shorts. I suppose he needs easy access because the graph showed his rate of return will be plummeting soon. Without all of you I couldn't have minimeltdowns...and now I must go to enjoy my last summer ever and hopefully it holds more drama within.

BFF

2009-05-02T22:08:00.000-07:00

I must admit - I didn't think there was much better than Ben Folds. Okay, that's a lie. Regardless, he's like my ultimate - and yet my mind was changed today. I discovered Ben Folds a capella!!! These young college singing sensations sound way better than him and he knows it and is making money off it. I love ingenuity.

For those (I say 'those' generically) who do/don't know how much I love the man from North Carolina - let me reveal that it has gone down in history. I was present among the crowd when the photo for the Ben Folds Live album cover was taken at the Avalon in Boston, MA sometime prior to 2004 (shh... am getting old). I will see the man again soon and he won't know that we've gone down in history together - and he won't care but that is okay. I'll just try to sing loud to see if he notices - or throw nerd girl underwears at him. I'll be like yo - BF you want to see my B flat? F sharp? Wait come back! - I'm in med school - I can give a killer rectal exam! heeey - could you love a woman with cellulite??

Things to do while your skin rots off.

2009-04-29T21:26:00.001-07:00

10. Study for finals
9. Learn the true meaning of a dead day by taking an extended nap and wishing you were dead for the next 7 days.
8. Spend an hour and a half at Target - another good use of a dead day...
7. Let your eyes well with tears when you think of the long, heartfelt letter you'll write to your mom for mother's day - yet never write it.
6. Did I say study for finals? I meant not study for finals.
5. Wonder if you'll have friends left inside of school and outside of school once this hoopla is over.
4. Write and say a prayer for borderline grades - a belief in the power and holy spirit of rounding up!
3. Wonder if you'll be able to have sensation again in when the new skin arrives!
2. Officially add a new boy to the list of those mutually avoided.
1. Study for finals.

Could it B anymore awkward??

2009-04-25T20:47:00.000-07:00

Ok - so you may recall the mention of a date or two with a 23yo dude. Well - we figured out that we both knew of some comedians - namely Mike Birbiglia, awesomeness. So occasionally I would receive text messages with unidentified MikeB quotes, but each little texting event never led to being asked out again. Yet a while back at the outset of this thing - I bought tickets to the This American Life showing - for my own enjoyment - but noted that MikeB was doing a bit on it and thought 23yodude would like to go...so I waited up until 2 weeks before to invite him and he was psyched.

In the meantime we kept in touch and he always mentioned how excited he was - and I figured these were probably obligatory contacts because he was more interested in MikeB than me...and I was ok with that. SO needless to say status was unknown - and the night of the event arrives.

The event started out great - I won a prize the second I walked in the door! He was skeptical of most everything and that was ok - I was lucky that MikeB was first and he was fantastic. Yet here comes the good part. Ira Glass started talking about the people that got dragged along - he asked them to clap and sympathized with how out of place they might feel. He then declared that he hoped they would get something out of it, perhaps SEX. I must admit it was hilarious and I probably laughed the hardest in the whole place.

So this is where I don't get it. I can accept that this guy isn't that in to me - and I perhaps maybe not could be into him. Yet - I pull in next to his car (don't judge that I drove) and he makes no move to exit. We sat there and talked for at least an hour - I asked if he wanted to get a drink and he said no - had to study (that's my line!!). Anyway - in all that he made no move - so status remains unchanged - and I haven't heard from him since... And now I sit here obsessing - not over him but if that was my last chance to be even minutely close to making out with him... or anyone. And so I went looking through my free search of yahoo personals - and am still obsessing.

Something else funny - I sat and studied in a room today that is typically occupied by the unmentionable of many posts ago. On the wipe-off board was a graphical representation of his sex life - past and present with his future wife. AWESOME!! It appears he was getting quite a bit at the time of engagement - and now 2-3 months before the blessed event they are adopting the "let's make it special approach." I'm glad I wasn't on that graph - all they would have had to do was move the sex axis - woops, I mean x axis to the left a SMIDGE. I bring this up because the only blips of activity in his future (as indicated on the graph) will be on vacations with little to no activity as early as the one-year anniversary. Good thing I am GREAT at interpreting graphs and figures! Too bad I am flatlining.

happy birthday mysterious arm lesion

2009-04-21T19:12:00.000-07:00

I finally got the results which said it wasn't a brown recluse bite - though I don't agree. Today marks three weeks and I really can't believe how this thing has grown and changed in such a short time. But now it's time for it to move out and spread its wings - I can't take care of it forever, nor do I want to. I'd like things back to the way they were.

B is for buttocks

2009-04-20T16:36:00.000-07:00

Today was rectal and hernia exam day!! I had my finger in someone's inguinal canal and their rectum, and that was much better than before. While I was scrutinizing the man's scrotum he mentioned Mel Gibson, so I was able to chat about his impending divorce as I checked all around his penis. I don't know if it made him feel more comfortable, but I certainly was comforted. The rectum didn't seem such a big deal. I had three other classmates in with me, when the nice christian girl approached his anus the guy farted. It was awesome - it was all I could do to contain it. As for another friend, she had a patient that was 27 and had never had a prostate checked, nor did he know what he was in for when he volunteered to be a 'patient.'

As for me, the hapless patient, results are supposedly back from my bite biopsy and blood tests but they haven't been able to get hold of me. They called my mom in order to find me - so I assume there is something interesting to be shared. Likely nothing, and if I don't mention it in the next post it's actually so bad I can't share. Funny how that happens :)

B is for biopsy

2009-04-15T17:24:00.000-07:00

I went back to the doctor today re: my spider bite. I had no complaints besides the wicked purple color and the fact that I was running out of pain pills. Drug seeking, I know. Anyway - it was the standard drill and when the nurse practitioner came in she pulled in the doctor that then had to phone a friend. They came back and said - punch biopsy.... AND I FREAKED! I suppose I thought there would be no anesthetic, I don't know why. Anyway they took a hole out of the thing the size of a pencil eraser and then drew some blood out of my last good hand (took 4 sticks). Anyway... all this and and I have a test tomorrow..oh well I'm probably culturing the bacteria that's on the test.

Envenomation

2009-04-11T01:22:00.000-07:00

It seems all I can do lately is eat chocolate, cheez-its and pop pain pills. Thus the pictures below are evidence of domestic abuse I am committing against myself. No really, I am a victim of an offensive spider bite that is wickedly painful. In the next day or so I will be growing 6 more legs and finishing my first web ever. It will say 'Some Pig' and mean it!

This first one is from Tuesday (one week post bite) - I had gone to the doctor that day. And the second pic is today - notice the 20lb. weight gain. I don't even know how I do it!

Patients please...

2009-04-06T16:00:00.000-07:00

Sad to say, I found out today that I would rather receive a pelvic exam than perform one. I had the best intentions of telling the cervix who was boss but the second I sat down between the woman's knees and fumbled for the light I was no good. The face went red, the sentences became phrases and the only good thing was that I was the last person to perform an exam on the lady with pink hair.

It's really not fair because my friend came back beaming and even reported having done a rectovaginal exam on top of the regular speculum, bimanual exam and professing that she could look at cervixes/cervices all day. Me, I was just not wowed. It could have just been a bad vagina, but then again she didn't jump like that for everyone else... Good thing I will be kept away from the pubic, (woops I mean public) for a while.

Drug allergies '1', Lacey '0'

2009-04-03T09:13:00.000-07:00

When it looked like last week was bad, this week got worse. Here is a short synopsis without annoying self-commentary.

Tues. morn - Blow drying hair, notice itchy annoying spot on wrist, scratch it with hairbrush. Seemed reasonable at the time.

Tues. aftn - Notice wrist is scarily swollen for no apparent reason, show everyone I can find.

Tues eve - Streak and redness starting to form from swollen spot on wrist. Head to minor ER for suspected spider bite.

Tues 8pm - Fill prescription for Keflex for possible cellulitis and pop a pill.

Tues 9pm - Itchy red rash and hives all over body.

Tues 10pm - Friend takes me to get benadryl - but I pop another Keflex before bed.

Wed 6am - Notice I have a face that resembles Miss Piggy - very scary - and rash is 3x worse. Head to ER --- suspected drug allergy.

Wed 8am - Still look scary but snuck into one class after ER dismissal - with steroids and a new prescription on board - then proceeded to bed.

From there I continue to freak out every six hours, as face and body and original wound change colors and shapes. Thurs afternoon continued with swollen legs and feet and thurs night was spent wondering if I had a staph infection into my bone... (see face of lacey next to definition of hypochondria). And the kicker is when they ask for drug allergies in the future, now I've got one! Goodbye NKDA!!!

Puns don't cost a thing!

2009-03-30T17:51:00.000-07:00

Yep. I'm poor and waste my time thinking of things I think are funny.

I got swindled into buying 4 new tires when I went for one. I should have bought a dyson vacuum. Both turn on a dime! (watch the commercial - maybe it's funny.)

I was thinking - why do rare hamburgers cause so many outbreaks of gastrointestinal distress in the population - because if they are so rare, how did all those people find the burgers... badahbing! groan.

Nothing else is funny. Have to do my first pelvic exam next week. The only thing that's funny about that is the videos we've watched in class. Ok those aren't funny either. I took the Facebook test about which specialty I should be and it came back OB/GYN - that wasn't funny. I shrieked in horror.

I am the gatekeeper...

2009-03-26T17:38:00.000-07:00

It started as a pretty rough week. I had a hugeass test and missed my younger brother’s engagement party – then by Sunday he had news that he was buying a house. Then on Monday, the guy that’s my neighbor and fellow student and last shag told me he was marrying the girl he met while trying to convince me to be in a relationship with him. SWEET. Honestly – it made me feel better and helped to justify any inadequacy that was lingering. And I feel better that he and she are going to be off the market. BUT you know – it’s still crazy and has nothing to do with me… but dude crazy.

So I was feeling pretty down in general (maybe still am)– and by Tuesday after the test I did my usual drunk call to my parents. I talked to the dad and then the mom on separate calls. AND then mom’s tact came back. Given said impending neighbor marriage, little bro marrying and buying house – I vocalized that I was getting passed over. And then she said… Don’t think about it like that – if you do you’ll just become BITTER. (awesome). It goes on… Remember, you chose this. HA!

Ok – so then the only voice I hear is the ominous voice from Ghostbusters. “The CHOICE is made!” – cue thunder and lightning. Then the busters are yelling at each other – Did you choose anything? No, did you? I didn’t choose. Who chose? “The CHOICE is made.” Thanks Gozer and the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man – and of course thanks mom.

Anyway – the test came back positive. I just wanted to say that, thus I did alright on the exam and have summer on its way. I would have liked 2.5 more questions right. Speaking of summer – I was just ok’d to do some research at Children’s in OKC and get enough money to pay my rent!!

The Baby Compromise

2009-03-17T08:23:00.000-07:00

I was on the phone with my mom the other night and she started to mention some of the things she had done by the time she was my age. I knew this was a bad conversation because I was already whizzing by some of her milestones with little success - namely marriage and children. All of a sudden my mom said "As long as you have them by 30." WOAH NELLY! Did she really say that? So I gave her some grief, called her a jerk and then she said "Ok, I'll give you plus or minus 3 years." So folks I've got until age 33 to have some children by mom's clock, if I don't make it she's going to take my uterus away. If you could make time stand still I would greatly appreciate it.

Millionaire Matchmaker

2009-03-15T13:02:00.000-07:00

Fabulous show and I'm learning quite a lot. What I'm learning is that I'm quickly outgrowing the ideal age for 50 year old millionaires. Not only am I hardly dating now, but very soon I will be considered too old. Here at 26 - I've realized I'm quickly approaching 27. I never realize I am getting older until March 13th every year when my friend turns +1. Sadly, I'm surrounded by younger people that have more of a life than I do. Anyway - no more wallowing I must keep studying and get a study lamp tan during spring break.

fun sad eyes face...

2009-03-10T20:14:00.001-07:00

stuphylococcus

2009-03-10T19:42:00.000-07:00

If anyone cares - I thought I would update, because that's what people do. I was worried because it was set for 5pm on a Tuesday - and I thought maybe it was a polite brush off. However, it was just how things worked out.

I guess for the most part things went well, except my references to cutting up genitalia (in anatomy lab). I was invited to a house party to be happening this weekend. I guess that's a date in 23year old world. No idea. Perhaps I will do it... just to see what happens. As far as play by play - I got nothing but should learn to keep me my mouth shut, which is an ongoing problem.

I don't have any outfits that go with '23'...

2009-03-08T19:37:00.000-07:00

More fun sagadrama...that's why people read these things right?

Ok so about a week and a half ago - I was walking into the library like I usually do and was halted by the fellow student at the desk. He mentioned we hadn't talked in a while yada yada, so I bs'd for a bit and then said I had to get back to the books. As I turned to go, he all of a sudden asked me out - but I didn't quite catch it and said "yeah, ok" and walked off. Woops.

So it took another half a week for me to realize how much of a big dope I was, and being a bigger dope I decided I better save face and sent him an email with my number in it. LAME. The only saving grace was that I declared my lameness and would write my digits on his hand if he preferred, and so he did. So in teenage movie drama style I got up with a green pen and went over and wrote my number on his palm apologizing for my idiocracy. I think it worked.

Anyway, he's 23 and we have a date on Tuesday. Tuesday may seem an odd choice but it's after a test. It could be weird, awkward, good - I have no idea. Should I drink? I think so. He's cute and I have no expectations (a blessing!) The bigger question is what to wear - no idea where we're going or how we're getting there.

Sex in Space

2009-02-28T18:32:00.000-08:00

My tivo recorded an episode of The Universe, it was titled "Sex in Space." It went into the practical challenges of having sex in space. One woman had developed a two person suit - so people can velcro to each other and get it on. They got to test out the suit on the "G Force" zero gravity plane. Ironic - I think not. One older couple alternatively suggested that one person should be restrained. Clearly they spoke from experience. Another scientist also designed a "snuggle tunnel" thought would allow people to get it on in a velvety plush tube and not bust their heads on rocket apparatuses. Anyway - it became abundantly clear that it may be actually harder to get some in space than it is on earth. Thus, I will stop wishing I lived in space and be glad to have some G forces on this lonely planet.

FOS

2009-02-23T18:38:00.000-08:00

Today, we were taught the intricacies of the abdominal exam. Most of us pretended to feel the liver and listen to gurgles in each other's bellies. When it was my turn to submit to the exam, the physician helping us took special notice of my abdomen in order to show my partner what to do. She kept pushing and pushing and then finally said, "are you FOS?" As in full of shit. I didn't think so, but maybe that is my problem. I swear I've pooped.

Pregnant is the new cute!

2009-01-03T15:50:00.001-08:00

Iheartipod

2008-11-10T17:55:00.000-08:00

Two weeks ago I thought my membership in the digital age was over and also my trust and faith in my classmates. I was certain that my ipod had been stolen. No longer could I dance like an ass to my FAV song (right now "Start me up" by the Stones) before a test while others quickly quizzed each other like maniacs. I was ready to buy a new one - but yet Visa said no. I called Luke to usurp his ipod that he has yet to load with songs since last xmas. But here is where it gets interesting. I've been ogling our anatomy lab professional - Mr. Garrison. I think he worked for Blackwater (is this the correct Security agency in Iraq?) and he comes around and inspects our cadaver - occasionally injecting potent juice to keep the guts somewhere between dead and preserved. He goes to work out in fatigues - with the perfect amount of sweat in some just the right places. Note - he's also a grandpa. Anyway - I try to talk to him so that one day he will slip me some anatomy answers or just recognize that I didn't care he lacks a PhD. So he came over to me today and plopped my ipod down before me!!! I was so excited there was a hug involved. My eyes were so big - it looked like I had Grave's disease. The kicker - he approved of the music - but had to go to the pictures to find out who it belonged too. Woops - all those effing pics of my face... good thing he's a grandpa.

The problem with higher education...

2008-10-26T17:39:00.000-07:00

I pass this book everyday, multiple times a day and it PISSES me off! Why is 'Speed Learning' the biggest effing book of all the educational books. Let's blame it on the editor and the PR guy.

Meconium happens

2008-10-22T05:48:00.000-07:00

So it was a test day and I wore my new favorite shirt to explain myself. MECONIUM HAPPENS. It's brown...it rocks. And I look like poo too. But I love my new apartment...

CowboyUp

2008-10-19T09:24:00.000-07:00

Dear RedSox -

If it helps, I am wearing my RedSox hat today. You should really be proud because it is a good hair day and I am sacrificing it for you guys! Please win.

Thank you
Lacey

learning to lie

2008-10-14T05:42:00.001-07:00

Point blank - I am not a good liar. So in the second stage of my adult life (post-25) I am going to take on the challenge of becoming a mediocre liar and even worse person. Yesterday for the first time in a while - I did some bad things, lied a bit, and didn't feel bad. WOAH. Let me count the ways I screwed some people over yesterday.

- My old college senior project partner messaged me from the grave I put her in and asked for a copy of the 30 page paper she hardly made an effort to write. Wait for it... SO I LIED. Told her I lost it and don't have it - (but I do...) and I don't want to share with her stinky butt. Hate her and I don't feel bad. The only good thing about that project was losing 1o pounds (and her 95lbs).

- Umm... had a test yesterday which requires habituation and a certain comfort level to see images and identify them. There's been someone creeping me out that I am assigned to sit next to - and I totally blocked him from his usual seat. Someone else had decided to sit there and I told her it was ok on purpose!! Don't feel bad about that one either.

- And then someone asked to have some of my work - so they can use it - and I am not going to send it - I sent her in another direction. We will see if that comes back to bite me...

So anyway hope you enjoy this evidence of bad persondom. Evil is a good look for me.

studystudystudy...it all runs together

2008-10-12T08:50:00.000-07:00

Uh... so the shit has hit the streets my friends. I am tired and worn out and look in the mirror and scare myself. Yesterday morning I had not seen my eyes look so bad. I think I will start applying coffee directly to them.

I am preparing for a histology test and it sucks goats. I didn't mind anatomy so much because I could bring my own anatomy into the test! You could argue that I could bring my own histology into this test... however I can't see it with just the rods and cones of my eyeballs. Yesterday, someone who doesn't have to take the test asked me how it was going. My answer "It goes...with a new outfit!!" Yep, I went to the Gap in the middle of the day and got a winterizable outfit. I plan to go to target today and refresh my coffee stash and load up on those birth control pills that don't see any action. When did life get so fun.

me no blog you long time

2008-10-01T04:31:00.000-07:00

Uh... I've heard on the streets that I don't really blog anyway so that's cool. Random thoughts will follow. I am wearing my fourth edition gap knit scarf today. I am planning to screw the whole system and go cut my own scarf at hancock fabrics today between 2 and 3pm.

I am successfully kissing up to all professors. Sweet. I am successfully becoming loathed as well by classmates. Therefore I think I am going to start the Pick Two - Testing Special. That way on a test out of five possible answer choices you can pick two answers instead of one and feel that you still may have accomplished something. That would be my campaign if I were running for a class office position and wanted to be secretly nominated although I had wanted the position all the while except afraid of complete kiss ass perception.

The good thing about school is I can tell all my "clever" jokes and meanderings and feel like they were possible received or not. Someone yesterday told me I need to work on my act. At first I thought he meant - become a better person ie. bathe, shower, be nice. Then after clarification it was meant as "work on your act if you ever want to go on your comedy tour." Excellent. Too bad he saw through me! But after careful consideration I will take it as a compliment - most comedians are told they suck. Sweet. JERRY SEINFELD will you MARRY me!! I promise I won't put broccoli in your brownies!

Common Scents...

2008-09-11T21:05:00.000-07:00

I recently discovered the miracle that is the candle warmer. There is no flame just pleasurable scents in the atmosphere. I am afraid of fires in my apartment while I am gone so I am sure to unplug all things before I leave for 12-16 hour days of academic pursuit. Tonight when I returned - I wanted to cover the smell of my trash and garbage disposal... so I went to plug the candle warmer into the socket and couldn't find its plug. Uh yeah... I managed to find the only way to mess up a candle warmer. I think the only way out is to buy another candle warmer. I could dig in and get it out but I think residual wax in the socket is not a good idea. It's even funnier because I was just wondering how many times I could heat and reheat the same candle before the scent disappeared. I guess there are other factors to consider.

Laffy Taffy MedSchool Jokes

2008-09-10T18:39:00.000-07:00

Megan: I am going to name my first child Olecranon. It's definitely a girl's name.

Lacey: I am going to name my child Glenoid - meaning he will be "Glen like"

Megan: That's cool maybe our kids could date when they get older.

Lacey: I don't think so, they won't be hanging out at the same joint.

Megan: That's humerus.

Day 12 - The Pubic Symphysis

2008-09-03T20:09:00.001-07:00

I had to find the pubic symphysis on a male partner today. First try I went a little too low. Woops. Seriously. My bad. After that I had to find the coccyx. Hopefully the stories will get better but wanted to let the public know I will do my best to try all of the above at home. Instead of a blow-up man - maybe I'll just get a skeleton.

Warm Fuzzies

2008-09-02T21:47:00.000-07:00

- Blythe you asked about outfits - this was day 5. Notice awesome headband. Not so awesome lanyard.

- First test was today (day 11)... not too bad but the worst has yet to come. Notice difference in picture taken today. I am fuzzier.

- Have a bizarro-self. She's like me but opposite in certain ways. She's nicer, taller, married, and most importantly also the opposite of sad, desperate, born-again-virgin-me. We've started collecting money such that when I bring up sad/lonely/desperate/boys/(and h-word) or she her conquests we each have to contribute to a rainy day margarita fund. I am losing.

- On the upside of sad, desperate - there is a noteworthy item re: the medical school dating pool. Today we had a "tape clinic" to learn how to tape sprained ankles and wrists. I was pretty bad and snatched the nearest limb to practice on. Post session, guy that gives goosebumps claimed he needed more practice taping ankles :) So I let him tape my stubbly hairy toed half painted foot/ankle and didn't apologize for hairy toes or blisters. By looking at my foot he asked if I was alright.. ha! It was almost like that scene from Steel Magnolias when Truvi pulls up Shelby's sleeve and says "My lord what have you been doing child! Have you been driving nails up your arm?!" Regardless it was fantastic and also required an extra hand to be freed of the tape. I enjoyed it while a female nemesis looked on. (note he also jumped in to work on my back last week in lab...and post taping event he came to study by me in a space classified for someone else. I heart.

- So am doing well- sleep deprived - high blood pressure - high adrenaline

Medical School Recap - Week 2

2008-08-31T10:45:00.001-07:00

** Same song different verse a little bit louder and a little bit worse!

Laundry Station

2008-08-31T10:41:00.000-07:00

I went and did laundry at a real bona fide laundromat this morning. It was a fabulous experience. However I showed up without detergent. Well after I spent $50 at target for detergent and then another $20 at the laundromat for 6 simultaneous washers... I listened to the laundromat attendant tell someone how to use the machine. Apparently I only put my detergent in the prewash slot and not the slot for the actual washing cycle. So instead of actually washing my clothes I pretty much just wet them and dried them. Hopefully no one will notice the difference.

gynecological comedy hour

2008-08-26T05:38:00.000-07:00

oh man... I mean oh woman. I went for a friendly doctor's visit yesterday. It started out fantastic. I went to four buildings in a matter of 15 minutes trying to find my new doctor. By the time they took my blood pressure it was nice and high... the way I like it. Turns out the doctor wasn't in so I took one for the healthcare team and agreed to see the nurse practitioner.

So anyway I warmed up with tales of my self-diagnoses. I told the story of my first gyn visit where I had been too timid to actually get all the way naked which resulted in nurses laughing hysterically outside my door. I then moved on to talk about how shopping solved that issue and somehow we got on the topic of shoes!! I think it was all the wounds on my feet from painful shoes past. Come to find out that the nurse practitioner had dreamed just that night that Very Wang just designed some two tone shoes. This was all in the midst of a boob exam. Sweet.

For the grand finale it was time for old faithful. I got up in the stirrups (imagining I was somewhere else) and then the light they needed down there didn't work. Someone quickly ran to get one - but given the awkwardness I exclaimed "So anybody got any good jokes!"

Anyway if it's not evident here, the appt was hilarious. I really should have been recording it because I was on fire with my comedic med student-itis timing. Anyway the whole appt was had to relieve my concern about some lumpiness of the boob - and unfortunately that has not been alleviated. I am supposed to get a boob ultrasound this week and we'll see if they find any headlights in there.

***** Had the ultrasound and it turns out that the lumpiness of the boob is just lumpiness of the boob. ******

Med School Week 1 Recap

2008-08-23T09:08:00.000-07:00

Alright - for those of y'all that wear fanny packs!! I won't be able to write in paragraphs just outlines and bullets which is all my mind can process these days.

- Love school, love classes, love boys
- Love being told that I don't sound like I am from Oklahoma
- Love having clinical applications in my head to make sense of the millions of words per minute
- Love having financial aid and not having to works for real
- Love being so stressed that the scale tips in my favor
- Love that most boys here like baseball (esp. the Cubs) and I know a little something about Shawn Dunston, Ryne Sandberg, Mark Grace, and Andre Dawson.
- Dislike that I am getting older and will look much older by the time I am done.

- Dislike not being able to shop... can only think about what I am missing at Dillards.

- Like having reasons to talk to strangers.
- Like having my own apartment and being afraid I will be kidnapped every 5 minutes.
- Like gossiping about fellow students

Austin Lame City Limits

2008-07-20T10:46:00.000-07:00

Ok... I confess I did the unthinkable. I left my number for a waiter and fantasized that something would actually happen. Nope. But while I quickly consumed all others in discussing this adventure before it's untimely conclusion, I enjoyed the high and the attention.

Here is how the story unfolds...

Miranda and I had anticipated a Melting Pot fondue excursion and psyched for the adventure. Our waiter greeted us in a spunky manner and we were more than pleased to also find out that it was Ladies' Night. Wahoo... bring on the cheese! The waiter's personality seemed agreeable to my own and we kept joking back and forth. Miranda quickly spotted what was going on and kept making loud jokes comments about my lust for the waiter and his supposed interest in me. In order to quiet the comments I agreed I would leave my number in exchange for a cease-fire of her jokes and laughter. Well then the situation continued as we moved on to the chocolate course of the evening... and the waiter continued to tell me that I "could have whatever I wanted." I was already smitten. Halfway through the chocolate he arrived to see if we needed other dipping items and I requested more strawberries. Minutes passed and passed until finally he came back with a display of strawberries cut like roses and surrounded with actual rose petals. Love... ahh... Though full I ate them anyway and decided he and I would be married soon. My digits were his and I left them in the portfolio with my signed credit card statement.

That night I waited and waited... it was only 7p when we left the Melting Pot. Nothing happened so I resolved to sleep to the crimes of Law and Order.

And so it was at 5am when I woke up that the drama continued... or then again didn't continue. I had received a text message and sprung into action. Here is how it unfolded... enjoy the hilarity. I in turn will expose my own humiliation for your enjoyment.

7/17

A: (11:39p) This is a massachusetts number but you live in oklahoma? This is Austin :)

7/18

L: (5:39a) Hey...how'd you know that smarty pants. I went to school in boston and couldn't give up the cool area code.

L: (2:19p) Awake yet? Would you want to go get a drink later?

A: Is this lacey?

L: Yup

A: I was like she gave me a number and did not answer my text lol but it is possible what time did you perhap want to I have a movie plan with a friend later

L: ok no prob... I replied way early this morning so maybe you missed it.

A: Oh I never got it

L: Ha...ok

A: Oh ha you did never mind and my phone tells me peoples area codes

A: So were you two out and about until five?

L: More like lame city asleep at 10

A: Not this city you were in the wrong spot I guess

L: No I meant I am lame city! Sorry not dissing the city... I love it!

A: Oh lol ha are you sure you could keep up with me

L: Like I said they don't call me to party

A: Ha we can change that :) so how long you in town for

L: Would need serious tutor... my flight out is tomorrow

A: Lame and I happen to be a great teacher ha. So what made you leave your number

L: Hmm...cute, funny, smart. I'd never done that before just felt like it.

A: Well thank you :) so where about are you staying

L: Not far from the melting pot... why all the questions?

A: Oh just inquisitive :)

A: Plus trying to figure out where when if I am able to meet up for a drink what would be the best place and timing i'm not creeping you out am i

L: No no. You're fine. Maybe we should just stick to original plans. I am supposed to meet my bro who is coming from notre dame. Maybe call me in OK?

A: Call you when?

A: Oh never mind I got it sure if I am allowed to call in basic ill give you a ring you can show me around :-)

L: Sounds like a plan. I will work on my party skills in the meantime.

A: Ha no need I like you just the way you are

L: Ah :)

In Summary: After review of this debacle I realized that first - he was willing to meet up but it was disguised in weird text phrases and I missed it. Also - I think I was eager to be turned down and end the situation comfortably. Another lesson is to stay far away from doing this via text in the future.

Low point: The use of the term"lame city" to describe myself was a horrible idea. Woops!

High point: Miranda had a great joke early the morning after we met Mr. Austin. She said, "turn around and look at that bus..." On the digital screen up top it read "To Austin". I laughed and then she added, "Why don't you go get on it? It will take you to him."

Chicago in Pictures

2008-07-20T10:45:00.001-07:00

Here is a pictorial account of my chicago excursion.

Bliss? Really?

2008-07-20T10:27:00.000-07:00

Chicago was fantastic. One of the highlights was to be my facial at the Bliss Spa in the W Hotel. The morning started with a pile of chocolate chip pancakes with whip cream and butter. As I started to stuff them down I realized I needed to double check my appointment time. I called and realized my facial was to be 30 minutes earlier than I thought. So I ditched my friend with her blueberry pancakes and galloped a mile to the spa. I got there sweating profusely but on time. They took me into the locker room where I changed into the white robe while overlooking the lake. And I thought it would be a great time for a "before" picture. See below.

The facial was fantastic yet painful. The woman told me I had "congestion" on my forehead and the sides of my nose. What? Anyway it's a fancy word for clogged pores/blackheads. She then proceeded to convince me to try microdermabrasion because her fruit/acid wash would do little to clear the traffic congestion on my face. I agreed.

Turns out she tricked me into sandblasting my face and vacuuming it at the same time. Neat trick. Then she spread freezing cold gel on my face and covered me with saran wrap. Awesome. Oh but then the horror came. The extractions were horrible - needles all over my face - lip, cheek, chin. Not to mention the nose area was so bad I had to put my knees up to brace myself against the pain. F*&$ that pain is beauty statement. I don't see a bikini wax in my future... (tmi) Finally my face was covered in a mesh net...felt almost like a dying fish at this point. Thank god she gave me an oxygen finish spray that felt like that spotless drying mist when you get your car washed. But my face was soo taut and firm I forgave for all the torture. Back in the locker room I recognized that I looked so horrible an "after" picture could be funny. See below.

Still I had more services... a rosy pedicure. Well I had the most unenthusiastic pedicurist on the entire planet. She wore gloves and a mask!!! This is not surgery! I was kind of insulted and jealous of the other people whose nail people actually wanted to talk with them and didn't wear gloves or a mask. My only revenge was to wear the headphones and focus on the Season 1 episode of Sex and the City that played above her head. The toes still turned out well and it was well worth it... see below.

I think it means good luck?

2008-06-28T13:52:00.000-07:00

Check this out... I literally found bird poop on my car in the form of a smiley face. In fact I think it looks like a smiling monkey. Some people say that getting pooped on by a bird means good things will come your way. Therefore my car getting christened with smiling avian sh!t must mean that pure awsomeness is in my future. What do you think?

Match.com Here I Come...AGAIN

2008-05-16T15:52:00.000-07:00

I am sad and pathetic... I took this pic at my brother's wedding hoping to gain some desperation points on Match.com.

Let's see how I add up:

3 points - drunk bridesmaid (fault of champagne fountain and Flo Rida)
3 points - wheelchair (paraplegia?)
2 points - left arm is not visible (and may not exist?)
1 point - for definitely not catching the bouquet (no committment necessary!)
------------------------------------------------
= 9 desperate dating points ( for anyone interested in dating a drunk and desperate wheelchair bound sage green bridesmaid... give me a call!)

I THINK THEY TOOK TAXES OUT OF MY TAX REBATE...

2008-05-02T05:40:00.000-07:00

And I'm pissed. Wouldn't you be pissed if you were expecting an even $600 and your bank shows $448. Yeah. Who can I call about this?

Plastic makes perfect

2008-04-12T11:04:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up to a lecture about what plastics are good plastics. My mom was trying to tell me something about how there is a number on the bottom that says whether it is a cancer causer or not. She decided to demonstrate her knew knowledge by picking up a nalgene bottle and looking for the number. I told her that indeed it was good plastic because the stuff is made out of bulletproof material. This fact instantly got my dad's attention. He picked up the bottle with interest and took it outside. He then got his bb gun and aimed at the bottle through a narrow opening of the door. I heard the contact of the bb and the nalgene and then my dad went out to inspect the damage. He brought it back, and with no visible dent in the bottle, he said "hmm... I guess you're right." So moral of the story... always test old wives tales that involve weaponry because they may be true.

I think this look might qualify for the hair olympics

2008-03-30T20:07:00.000-07:00

18 Reasons to love your mom

2008-03-18T20:15:00.000-07:00

18. She can convincingly act like she's never been in a hotel room before.

17. When speaking to someone of an unknown ethnicity she always finishes the conversation with "gracias."

16. She plays it off when you run into a window and think it's an open door.

15. She pretends to be on a diet and tells you how hard it is.

14. She's got a piece of hair that grows faster than all the rest of her hair combined.

13. She always orders White Zinfandel no matter the caliber of restaurant.

12. She wants to sit by the window on the airplane and otherwise leans over you to peer out.

11. She can never say any name the same way twice. Example: Deepak Chopra.

10. She secretly stole a ball of cookie dough out of dad's cookie dough batter and saved it for me.

9. She laughed harder at SuperBad than my brothers.

8. She wants to crash her son's wedding with flowers from Wal-Mart.

7. She will serve you a pot of coffee on the carpet she just cleaned.

6. Every year she asks for an egg timer and never gets one..

5. She scoops the kitty litter on your behalf so that you won't become infertile.

4. She doesn't know how to turn on the tv, but will watch even the worst shows if they are on.

3. She's a conspiracy theorist - aka thinks Obama is working with Al Qaeda

2. You're bored - because instead of getting better this list is getting worse.

1. She's my mom and I don't share very well.

I swear I am not making this stuff up...

2008-02-10T18:57:00.000-08:00

I find him like this all the time :)

I don't like scary movies, but I do like scary pictures of myself!!!

2008-02-10T18:53:00.000-08:00

Even during December's ice storm and power outage, I managed to take pictures of myself. I am committed or at least I should be!

Notes on a world airport

2008-02-09T08:25:00.000-08:00

I thought the following was great when I wrote it over a week ago... now I'm not so sure... but I am open to criticism.

There is something about an airport that messes with my psyche. I first need to consume magazines, soda and a snack usually. I am somewhat limited in my snack choices so I chose water and beef jerky. I don’t usually eat jerky but I couldn’t resist the 140 calories that might keep me satiated for a while. So I finally sat down opened my book about the curious life of human cadavers and began to gnaw on the jerky as a read about human embalming. And although I have a strong stomach I decided I could not do both simultaneously. I chose to keep reading the book.

I would also like to give a summary on the people here at the airport. I noticed a gaggle of young gentlemen carrying “GoArmy” backpacks. I certainly hope they didn’t sign the form to get the backpack. From what I see they still have their personalities and baggy jeans, but look lost otherwise. I rest assured that Uncle Sam will help them find themselves before some other fate does. Godspeed?

I am staring at strapping dad holding a pink infant who wears Nike Shox and likely will outgrow them before she ever walks. I am not mocking this situation – in fact someday I hope I can buy baby size Nike’s for a baby-sized being that shares half my genes. This is not unlike my brother’s desire to breed children for their athletic prowess.

And Bobby – I would like you to know that while I am sitting at the airport eager to get online and hit refresh on my email I am resisting the $7.95 one time fee. Normally I would do this. However, today I purchased $60 in lingerie (pronounced lin-ger-ee) for my future sister in law to wear while having sex with my older and unwiser brother. That is priceless.

My feelings would best be expressed by the following photo

2008-01-18T16:34:00.000-08:00

Gabe Says...

2007-12-08T17:44:00.001-08:00

"The crappy thing about being late... is cutting your face [shaving]."

Enough Said...

2007-11-25T10:44:00.000-08:00

Thought maybe I would add this to my christmas list as well...

Yeah, I'm Grateful

2007-11-21T23:16:00.000-08:00

Many Thanksgivings ago, just after the indians and the pilgrims enjoyed their first feast. The Matthews decided they would also invite friends and neighbors to their feast. It was the first time they welcomed another non-related family for a fancy formal dinner and felt some persuasion was needed for them to feel like it was a good idea. So I designed this giant invitation with the top ten reasons Blythe's family (aka the Bensons) should join my semi-functional family for dinner + grandma and aunt joyce. Here it is in all it's grateful glory.

10. We dusted.

9. Angie didn't add pecans to any of the dishes.

8. Aunt Joyce's laugh is not contagious.

7. Luke grew a Thanksgiving beard.

6. Chris promises not to wear orange.

5. Grandma could use an extra hand getting up.

4. Lacey turned down employment to plan our meal.

3. Gabe just finished a 4 week ettiquette school.

2. Uncle Johnny's not coming so we have five extra servings of everything.

1. Hear Lloyd say grace. Amen.

So maybe there are some inside jokes. Namely many people are allergic to our house and they dislike pecans more than we do. Aunt Joyce has a laugh that stops and make you look. Luke likes to do funny things with his facial hair, and apparently now his chest hair. He is trying to enhance his pecks. Chris only wears orange for OSU. Grandma has the most interesting way of getting out of a chair. She does a rock of the chair and bends half way over so that her head is nearly between her knees. At the time of this list Lacey could not find work to save her life. Gabe is a good kid but has been trouble inthe past, so maybe finishing school would have been the better option. Uncle Johnny - well he's been gestating that baby for as long as I can remember. And my dad, Lloyd, well God would really like to hear from him.

And yada yada yada... I'm really tired today

2007-11-14T13:59:00.000-08:00

Now that my Seinfeld set is complete, I need a permanent place to showcase my collection. I was thinking Jerry belongs next to Sacred Heart Jesus, and Yellow Lucite Mary and Joseph. Ah yes...

Much Ado About Nothing

2007-11-11T12:31:00.000-08:00

Really. There's been nothing to write about. I have been so busy writing next season's scripts for Heroes, Grey's Anatomy, etc. since the Writer's Guild strike that my creativity is exhausted.

Mom in Real Life

2007-11-03T19:52:00.000-07:00

Mom took me out to the movies tonight. I dropped her off to buy the tickets while I parked. So I said, “Now do you know what we’re seeing?” She said, “ Uh no, ‘Me and My Friends.’? Wait, ‘George and His Friend’?” I reminded her it was called ‘Dan in Real Life.’ I met her inside where she was already buying popcorn and a drink to share. We ended up with three straws in our Diet Coke. During the preview for ‘National Treasure Book of Secrets’ she exclaimed loudly, “That looks like a movie he already made.” I guess she doesn’t understand sequels. She continued throughout the movie to narrate all occasions of foreshadowing, slurp every last bit of Diet Coke, fill her camisole with popcorn, and breathe loudly through her sobs. Quite the companion, letmetellya. Anyway, we stayed to watch the end credits and on the way out to the car she exclaimed, “Now we get to smoke you out!!!” Too bad she was referring to lighting incense in my car to chase out the remaining puke scent, of which I am sure I will thank her later.

What Can I Say

2007-10-28T12:10:00.000-07:00

I am an official member of the mile high club. I’ve also done it in Dallas (while in a moving car no less.) You may have come across people like me and ignored them. However, those of us that can barf without a toilet nearby are the real heroes. We wear our badge of honor on our breath. Ok you caught me I just wanted to talk again about one of my problematic bodily functions. But now the topic of me throwing up is closed because I think I finally got the stench out of my car from last week’s vomit drama. I paid 75 cents for some wild cherry auto fragrance at the car wash. The first bottle of bubble gum ester stolen from work did little good. Anyway the above picture of my bro and I shows that I did have fun before the fun had me.

Strange Invitation

2007-10-28T11:39:00.000-07:00

Although I've never been a true groupy, my genetics make me a follower of the Jamminators, my dad's band. Last night they played the little known BooGrass Festival off a dirt road in eastern Normantown. I arrived late and parked in the pasture trying to find my family in the dark between Freddy Kreuger, the robot from the Flight of the Conchords, and a guy wrapped in foil. Luckily my mom had made the band dudes skeleton sweatshirts, so I went up to every pair of glowing rib cages I could find. Good thing my dad refused to wear his sweatshirt before going up on stage. Well, once the music started and my older bro began clapping out of rhythm I ran away (because I don't know how to hippy dance) but not before obtaining some contact high. Yes, my dad was wearing sunglasses in the dark. Odd. Anyway, I left after the set finished but felt for some strange reason I needed to see if Taco Bueno was still serving late. I got a chicken potato burrito - that's a hash brown in a burrito covered with sour cream and cheese. So odd I can't tell if it's good or not. The other item - a muchaco. It tasted like beans, cheese, and meat served in a Krispy Kreme donut. So I felt guilty for my stopover, but didn't feel so bad when I woke up to find a leftover box of pizza and that my mom had made brownies some time after 11:30pm. Odd.

I AM A FIESTA CON QUESO

2007-10-25T14:39:00.000-07:00

I am sitting at Panera Bread relishing the Fiesta Con Queso soup I've been craving for a week. It's the best thing since they decided to make a bowl out of bread. Really, I may right a poem about this soup. Anyway, I am here among the diehard regulars and I have spotted what could be a med student study session. After a day of wallowing about whether I should freeze my eggs before I turn gray, I have zeroed in on this studying guy that looks like Dylan McDermott's twin. He's looking pretty cute glasses and all - until I read his shirt. It says "Pick Jesus." Umm... yeah that's a DEALBREAKER. So with my daydreams now crushed, I am resigned to either marrying Jesus or maybe just voting for Pedro.

2007-10-19T19:48:00.000-07:00

Minutes ago I wrote a great post but my mom just talked me down from posting it. Copies of the said post are available by email for $13.95. Send a self addressed stamped envelope to the editor. Your sponsorship is appreciated.

If You Love It, Set It Free

2007-10-16T17:20:00.000-07:00

I love/hate my new/old phone. This phone is like a relationship gone bad. I endured three long and awkward phone dates with Sprint just to get my hands on the device. Finally, it shows up and meets all my friends and family - and they are impressed. If it could, this thing would have a degree from MIT. But that's the thing, it's got zero personality and just can't get the job done ;) . It's difficult, it freezes under pressure, and it's fat. So now I'm on the phone again trying to break up with it. And it's painful, but after a few days together I know this one is just not the one despite appearances. So I am back on the market and have my eye on some of the goods. Hopefully there is still a good one left out there for me somewhere...

PantyGate 2007

2007-10-15T17:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I do my laundry. Sometimes I don't. Tonight as I was sifting through the two week old pile of socks, shirts and scrubs (both clean and dirty) I came across what used to be my underwear. It was snipped directly across the crotch. So either someone is trying to send me a death threat or there was a strange tryst I can't remember. Uh YEAH RIGHT! Stay tuned as I unravel this mystery.

What the eff!

2007-10-14T10:11:00.001-07:00

So I was sitting at home multislacking, and decided I needed to purchase the 80's classic "Got My Mind Set On You" by George Harrison. Besides being my favorite music video of all time, it's a blast of a song. Well, I am accustomed to saying no to Itunes everytime they ask me if I want to upgrade to version 7.4.3 because I don't believe that it's much better than 7.3.2. Well this time they wouldn't let me download my sweet song without a FREE upgrade. So I gave in and rebooted my computer and all that jazz to find out that in this new 7.4.3 world the cost of a song is $1.29!!!!!!!!!! Outrageous! I want my thirty cents back along with version 7.3.2.

Iron Stomach Chef

2007-10-12T20:39:00.000-07:00

(All photos taken 10/12 and were not doctored or downloaded from Google Images.)

Umm... I can't cook worth poo. I can bake. Anything I can cook I have learned from my dad. He cooks like a bachelor.

My Dad's Menu for Friday October 12 -
Entree: rice and beans (I haven't learned to make this yet.) Dessert: fish sticks.

Luckily my mom offered to make me an omelet. It looked so pretty and delicious I had her pose with it. A moment later the fish sticks came out of the oven and I begged my dad to pose with them and he wouldn't. Not even for five dollars. Above you'll see that he is running away from my camera. He even tried to scoop them off the tray at arm+spatula's length from the stove so as not to get caught in my view finder as he reached for his processed treat. Look how sad the fish sticks look. Honestly he can cook, but he does specialize in man food.

Here is the list of his all time specialties (I made the list and was surprised most of the evidence was in the fridge - so I took pictures.)

Dad's Dude Specials

- chili dog (hot dogs are purchased every Thursday evening before payday on Friday. He insists on paying with a check - but letting Wal-Mart fill in the written dollar amount.)

- bacon wrapped scallops (who am I kidding - bacon wrapped anything.)

- tuna salad (constantly find the leftovers molded over in the fridge.)

- Philly Cheese steak sandwich

- Hamburger (tuna) Helper

- New fetish: Sausage biscuits (made like they are from McDonald's - there are always leftover biscuits and not enough sausage...)

Stay tuned for my opinion on meatloaf (because why would I want to eat meat as if it were bread?)

2007-10-03T19:28:00.000-07:00

"My brothers get gas money and all I get is the privelege of living at home and licking the spoon."

Take My Picture

2007-09-30T18:57:00.000-07:00

Someone asked how I could possibly have all those pictures of myself - did I take them or did somone else??? Well...the self-portrait extension arm helped get the job done! Actually, I am lying, but it is on my christmas list this year :)

I'm bringing it back... but I'm not talking about the "sexy"

2007-09-29T08:51:00.000-07:00

Ok. So I wimped out. I put this up and then took it down, and now it's up again. The more I thought about it I realized it would be good for my next joke which is to be the next post. Anyway, sometime earlier this year I became interested in taking pictures of myself (to an extreme) because I realized that my camera only held pictures of last year's Thanksgiving turkey and my brother fake humping my dog. So I give you this masterpiece, which is mostly 2007 from my best angle!! You might think it's narcissistic, but it's not. It's just the acceptance that my appearance will only continue to worsen and that I must accept what I've got now before it slides off my face.

Drawn Together

2007-09-23T15:10:00.000-07:00

Here's my family in black and white. If you are curious about our interests just look closely at all the paraphernalia we're holding. Have you ever had to spell paraphernalia before? I think next time I'll use the word propaganda.

I really want to be cool...

2007-08-21T18:19:00.001-07:00

And this is probably not the right way to do it a.k.a. staying at home playing with makeup and then dressing up for posed pictures of yourself. C-O-O-L. I call this look trucker-about-to-hit-a-deer-chic.

Warning: High Maintenance Ahead

2007-08-12T17:53:00.000-07:00

Like a serial killer, I hunt my prey and make plans for the day when that next beauty product will be mine. It's a psychological game and the beauty industry is winning. Smashbox Cosmetics changed their packaging and sold me a $28 lipstick entitled 'Socialite.' But it's AMAZING. It's the perfect pink and it has a secret top lid that contains a lip gloss and a tiny mirror so that you can watch yourself put on the lipstick. And damn, I feel like a freaking movie star as I watch myself slowly trace over my lips and give the perfect smack to insure both sides are covered. Usually it's a wham, bam, thank you mam, kind of deal... but not anymore. This is living!!! Blythe, if you give my umbrella back I'll let you try it.

It All Depends...

2007-07-26T15:01:00.000-07:00

Nope. I didn't go to Niagara Falls, but I might as well have. It all started back at the beach. It was my last night so my brother and I wandered down the beach. We walked and walked until we figured we had gone the 8 miles from Alabama into Florida. The pressure on my bladder grew and I tried to find a decent squatting spot, but there was too much activity. So once it was dark I decided to let it all go straight into the gulf. I was wearing a dress and figured it was okay to walk and pee at the same time. After I was sufficiently relieved my bro was snapping photos, I didn't realize until later that there remained evidence of my urination. A distinct outline on my dress shows that I had a control problem - this was quickly deleted. The one below is from the same series and boy do I look happy. Just like a two year old that is so proud she used the potty.

Unfortunately the two year old came back two weeks later. I was at an outdoor concert and in denial about the urgency I was facing due to the featured port-a-potties. However the 7-11 icy drink, miller lite, and diet coke I drank within 30 minutes had other plans. As I pulled up in my driveway and started to get out of the car, I felt a force so great come over me such that I could not resist. I ran 30 steps with my knees knocked until I gave up on the front porch. I stood there shocked and laughing at myself as it all splashed down. I figured it would be okay to pee on my own porch in the dark of night. The dark silhouette at the door told me I was wrong. It was my mom and she looked very disappointed. I explained that I had peed as I cleaned off my urine foot prints with the hose. "You used to do this when you were two! Not when you're 22!!" she said. Uh mom - rub it in, I'm 25. "Oh... then how old does that make me?" The abuse continued "Lacey, I've had 4 kids and I have better bladder control than you do! What are you going to do when you have kids?? You really need to do your kegels, but go clean yourself off first." Anyway being the best mom in the world that she is, she brought me home some kegel exercise instructions...yippee.

News Flash - Bomb Dropped

2007-07-22T12:59:00.000-07:00

Where were you when two worlds collided causing a massive bomb to go off? I dug my own grave this week when I thought it would be fun to put my mom on speakerphone. Take my advice, it's a bad idea. Anyway there's still a lot of debris to sort through and I've still got some shrapnel stuck in my ego, but I'm limping just fine. Maybe I won't need the cemetery plot just yet. Still seeking shelter in a strawberry margarita is a good idea.

Back to the Beach-

2007-07-21T13:17:00.000-07:00

No, this isn't the cover of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. This is my family, well maybe 75% of it. Some people became so dark over our week long stay in Gulf Shores, AL you may not be able to see them in this pic. Anyway this photo also gives me a chance to correct the misnomer of a family reunion as no-fun, because these people are the good kind of crazy. The rumor is that 50 cases of beer were consumed between games of euchre, cornhole, apples to apples, and a little sun tanning. Anyway I love these peeps and you should too. Look for news of Reunion 2009!!!

The Butterfly Murderer

2007-07-15T17:09:00.001-07:00

I just returned from a whirlwind tour of Boston and the Gulf coast. While in Boston I visited Museum of Science, a place that seemed much more fun when it was free during my student days. Anyway, at the encouragement of a friend we went to the special butterfly garden/exhibit. It turned out to be a small glass encased area where the butterflies fluttered about you and occasionally landed on your person. Anyway I spotted this sly butterfly on the ground and was keeping an eye on him. But before long I noticed a woman's fake Teva sandals getting dangerously close. So I yelled to her - watch out! watch out! on the ground! butterfly! All warnings fell on deaf ears and I watched in slow motion as this nincompoop stepped squarely on the butterfly and smashed its guts. OHhhhhhhh no!!! My friend watched this and laughed. I tried to make the killer feel as bad as possible, but I stopped just short of yelling MURDERER and calling the attention of security.

Grape Escape

2007-06-24T14:16:00.001-07:00

Hmmm... How will I ever decide which carton of grapes to buy??? I know!! I bet the one with a cartoon Orlando Bloom on itis the best!! Really I didn't know that Disney even had a garden or that fruit marketing was such a lucrative business. Maybe this means that kids have gotten smarter about their food choices. No more Tony the Tiger and Keebler Elves for me... give me the Pirates of the Caribbean Grapes!!!

Happy Father's Day!

2007-06-17T11:36:00.001-07:00

Surprise! Last night my bro picked up a kitten at the 7-11 in the frozen treats section. We managed to keep him quiet overnight, and dad wasn't too pissed this morning. We've been working on dog+cat = love but we aren't quite there yet. No name as of yet, but we'd like to continue the R&B theme of our cats. The last one was named after Jackson 5, right now my bro is leaning towards Smokey for Smokey Robinson. Unfortunately Paula Dean won't work for this boy, and he's no Bobby Flay. I'd like something non-traditional - Tito, Jermaine, Justin Timberlake...

MISSING

2007-05-05T11:25:00.000-07:00

Police Blotter: Stolen White 1999 Toyota Camry. Car unlocked in driveway - key happened to be in cupholder. Scrapes on the hood - which flew off several weeks ago. Coffee stains on floorboards. Peeling paint covered with spray paint. Dent right side from run in with other vehicle in the driveway.

Advantages of Living at Home (with Parents)

2007-04-18T13:46:00.000-07:00

This morning I arose in the darkness and proceeded to get ready for work, but kept hearing our dog Mason barking incessantly. Yesterday he had cornered a possum so I figured, perhaps the little devil was back for round two. Sure enough, all I could see in the darkness was a black and white striped tail running in circles after Mason, skunkfest. Being naturally smart, I went back inside and woke up my parents at 5:15am to take care of business. Mom came out, followed by Dad with the BB gun ready to shoot something in the darkness. And all would not have been complete if we didn't wake up Gabe too, because he gives the best dog commands. Anyway, I think we ended up with a lame skunk and a proud, semi-clean puppy.

Look at me I'm Sandra D. (O'C)

2007-04-13T16:47:00.001-07:00

The other day my mom is watching me watch television, like she likes to do. She notices the name "Sandra Day O'Connor" a bio I recorded on my Tivo. And the following exchange occurs:

Mom: Lacey, who is Sandra Day O'Connor?
Lacey: Are you serious?
Mom: No really, who is she?
This sequence repeats three or four times until I throw in a hint
Lacey: Ok... she was the first woman on...
Mom: Ok... first woman, first woman, first woman on aaaa boat!?
Lacey: Um... no... (laughing and crying simultaneously)

After about five minutes of laughing, she finally becomes lucid.

Mom: Oh I know! The first woman on the Supreme Court! Didn't she just retire?

Uh yeah. I told her she better watch the bio and get edumacated- and of course she fell asleep.